Monday, September 17, 2012

regret.

I so nearly went for a haircut yesterday. I have always been impulsive, whenever it gets in my head that I want something, I just have to have it now. But the boyfriend was kind enough to remind me that I usually regret whatever it is I do on a whim. That's one thing that has caught up with me now that I'm older: regret. When I was younger, there was no such word, let alone such a concept. I used to care less. But we lose that luxury as we grow older.

I wish I could stay 17 forever. Old enough to know better, but still too young to care. Once you grow older, you start to think about others. You learn to consider your family's interests, their feelings. And if there are conflicting interests, you'll start living indecisively, split down the middle. You wonder every day, you or them? Selfish or selfless? Which one would it be today?

Usually I reason myself and tell myself: family, always, family... Because of all the regret that has been swept under the rug for so many years that now all I can see is regret. Regret that I was not a better daughter, regret that I was not a better sister. All that regret soon turns to blame and all you want to do is try to overcome it by overcompensating. But who says I'm overcompensating? It's never going to be enough.

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