Thursday, January 30, 2014

My Horse Year Resolutions!

不再赖床 Stop lazing in bed
Apparently there's no English equivalent for "赖床" (lai chuang) - that I know of, anyway. If you know the English expression for it, comment below! Anyway, I love lying in bed even after I wake up, willing myself to sink back into my dreams, trying to escape conciousness or scrolling through my phone, unwilling to leave the comfort of my bed... But I realized that that's no way to start a day! We should start everyday energetic and full of anticipation. Lying in bed after you have woken up is too depressing, because who doesn't want to get out of bed except for those who has nothing to live for? 

每天运动 Exercise daily
It doesn't have to be an all out work out, but I must do 4 sets of 12 anything or 20 minutes of cardio or complete a video from this FB page or Blogilates. I always put off exercise by telling myself I'll do it tomorrow... Tomorrow... Tomorrow. But you know what?! 5 minutes today is better than an hour some other day! 

减吃 Cut down on meal portions
Before I get flack for this - I know my body, you don't. I know that I've been eating more than my body needs. Our stomachs are only the size of our fists. How do I manage to finish an entire plate of nasi lemak special? Stomachs STRETCH. And over time, they are able to accommodate more and more, which makes us fatter and fatter. I believe that we are what we eat. The bodies we have are a show of exactly what a glutton (or not) we are. Additionally, Chinese parents always try to overfeed their kids and instill in them the fear of wasting food, making them eat more than they should. It teaches you that stuffing yourself silly is completely natural but it really isn't. So I will unlearn that bad habit and only eat until I'm full.

自爱 Love myself
It's not about being selfish, it's about being proud of who I am. But sometimes, be selfish. I want to be capable, unafraid of being alone, being independent and happy. Happiness is a healthy state of mind, and that's where I want to be. I want to love myself enough to hunt down my dreams and make them come true because no one else can.

I know that none of my resolutions are anything drastic, but do you believe in the butterfly effect? It's the small things that ultimately count.

Gong xi fa cai! ♥ HUAT HUAT HUAT!!!

Love is ironic

Today is one of those nights whereby I am restless to share my thoughts. I have been watching over my nephew and the horrible realization that he will grow up and face a life of comprehension one day has just smacked me hard. There is nothing morbid about it, just a casual observation that we are ultimately selfish. Think about it, we would never let the people we love be hurt because when they are hurt, so are we... But why are we so willing to give life to a baby who would inevitably be hurt? Or is that love so great that we are willing to suffer the multitude of hurt our children will face in their lives and that our greatest gift isn't the curse of inevitable pain, but the joy of having lived? I mean, life is the opportunity to experience. And I believe that nothing feels as strongly as humans do. So fierce in our convictions, capable of virtually anything based on percieved feelings. But he seems so happy, blissfully ignorant of the expectations we bestow upon each other.

I was recalling when I hugged him earlier today and he cringed away from me. I thought nothing of it at that time, because I understand he is a baby and babies do what they want, without any consideration for anyone else's feelings or convenience. But then I realized that we learn to expect from others and therefore we anticipate expectations and live in fear that perhaps we have disappointed someone. We learn to tolerate what we naturally would not, perhaps even welcome it, because of love. I would return the hug of anyone I care for because I understand that while I am under no obligation to, it is expected simply because we love. We all act a certain way, under certain circumstances, to certain people because we assume it is what they need. We can't very well ask someone who is hiding pain if she needs comfort, can we? Because that might just drive the wall further up or the person further away. So we do what we think is expected of us, out of love.

Funny how we constantly need to be reassured of our worth through someone else. Perhaps love is all we need. I would rather be imperfect and well loved than damn near perfect and adored but not loved at all. Stupid how we wonder if our actions or words affect someone else unintentionally. Sometimes we lie to our loved ones because we know they love us enough to lie to us too. A simple example is my papa and I when we have dinner together. I believe that he saves the last morsel of every dish for me, no matter how much he likes it because he thinks that maybe I want it too when in fact he may just be full. But if I knew it was something he likes, I'd tell him I'm full or that I dislike it just I could have the satisfaction of seeing him eat something I know he likes. We lie constantly to those we love because we do not want them to deprive themselves at all. Do you guys know the story of a mother who lied to her children that she loves to eat chicken feet because she wanted them to have the best parts of the chicken? Imagine if her children were not so stupid and lied to her that they loved chicken feet instead? Or what if their mother truly loved chicken feet? We lie viciously to the people we love. Ironic, isn't it?

Monday, January 13, 2014

mind, interrupted

I don't know about you, but I hate receiving compliments. I don't know how to react so I feel awkward and that just leaves a bad impression in my mind so every time right before I pay someone a compliment, I stop and decide that I don't want to make them feel awkward.

But the thing is, we're all different, aren't we? Just because I hate them doesn't mean that the next person does. I mean I love surprises. LOVE. And yet I have never truly felt surprised in my life. I associate surprise with pure, unadulterated joy, without a care about how your facial expressions are arranged. I've been surprised, but I have always kept my composure, except when I think I'm being attacked by a ghost. Then any shred of dignity or self consciousness I have goes right out the window. But despite never being truly surprised, I know I would love it because of all the positive and rewarding feelings I associate with it. I can't even fathom someone disliking surprises and I'd take it as a challenge because I'd think that person is lying.

On the other hand, perhaps the reason I've never been surprised is because of overwhelming expectations I set for it. Maybe I become self conscious because I am aware that whoever tried to surprise me did it with effort and I couldn't allow that effort to go to waste so I try to control every reaction, which in effect, spoils the whole thing.

Presents too. I love getting presents but there is a reason why gift-givers wrap the presents and the receivers open them at home. I never know how to react in front of people. If it's what I want, then awesome, I'd react appropriately. But more often than not, it's not, and I am obliged to fake it. Which brings me back to complimenting.

I will never believe any compliment you give me and I'd think you're fake, so it's a lose-lose situation.
If I try to give someone a compliment, I'd feel like a suckup for pointing out something that's obvious.

I guess I never learnt to be gracious.

I never understood the "smile, you're beautiful" notes that people leave in random places to cheer someone up. Why should I smile because some random stranger who doesn't even know me tells me I'm beautiful? It feels cheap and desperate. And why should it matter whether I'm beautiful or not? Is that how superficial the world has become? That you can't be happy unless you're pretty?

Maybe I'm a pessimist. Maybe I'm a realist. But I wish I could be a romantic, because to be able to see the world through rose tinted glasses might be better than seeing it with blinding clarity.