Thursday, November 27, 2014

dream deep

I remember taking the first jump into the sea. I couldn't swim but I breathed enough to sustain me. I would break the surface, gasping for air, before I plunged back into the depths of a never ending ocean of numbness. I wanted to numb these feelings which has haunted me for so long. What made me happy, what made me sad. I would rather have nothing than to feel everything. I tried a hedonistic life and I hated it because it made me feel like an animal, not knowing right from wrong and knowing only pleasure. Then I rejected any source of happiness or comfort because I felt like I did not deserve any. I was angry at myself, and I did not like who I was.

So instead of surfacing, I sunk.

I knew there was always more but I was afraid to break the surface of the pleasant calm and I stayed myself. I forced myself to survive as long as I could without air. I know that one day I would have to surface... But in the meantime, I will satisfy myself with what I possessed: the comforts of what I have and what could be.

Then I realize I no longer know which way is up, even though I had adapted and learned how to swim. Up, down, left and right, never knowing which direction is swimming away from life, until I saw sunlight, dancing across the water. Rays of salvation and I wanted to live.

When you escape, you escape for only a while, but your problems still remain. You forget for two hours, but nothing has changed. You come back to the same. It was pointless, it was stupid. I let buoyancy take over and float on the surface, reminiscing about how easy it was to let the ocean take over and silence what I didn't want to acknowledge. But we were not meant for this. What is easy isn't always right. Sometimes, you need a little fight.

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