Wednesday, December 31, 2014

How a Relationship can Crash & Burn

So I not-so-recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. I think it's 4. I'm not sure because we never kept track. I had a lot of superstitions. One being never to celebrate anniversaries until you're married - and we never did. Goes to show that superstitions are stupid. But anyway, we've known each other since we were in high school and remained friends till we got together because we hung out in the same group. The gang is, in some ways, family. A few left over the years and we got new additions, but we were constant. We used to hang out together every single night without fail. We went through phases, kopitiams (coffee shops) and pubs and cyber cafes. I left them for a while, but I came back. We always go back to what is familiar. And now we seldom meet because our lives demand it. Although we are attempting to created a tradition, for friendship's sake: A getaway every year, this year was Bangkok and next year, Taiwan. But this isn't about the group. This is about my relationship and why it fell apart.

We all thought that the both of us would stay together and get married. It seemed natural. It was the ultimate dream: Our kids would grow up together, and we would stay friends forever.

I don't think that that's a possibility now because, it's over. 

Why, though?

1. He is a mommy's boy, I am a daddy's girl.
I'm not saying that all relationships between the two will never work out... But he had his sisters and I had my brothers. Ultimately, he expected me to take care of him while I expected him to take care of me and we didn't know any better.

2. We took each other for granted.
When you have been friends for so long, you don't realize that it is possible to have a life where that person isn't a part of. We hung out constantly and once we got together, we almost never went home alone. We went to Melbourne together. Studied and stayed together. We were always there for each other. And after awhile, you get so used to the idea that you just stop appreciating what you have because you don't even consider that losing that person is possible. Sometimes this means expecting more than realistically possible, but oftentimes it just means doing less than what's expected.

3. We wanted different things.
I wanted the little things, he overlooked them. He thought that as long as he didn't cheat on me and that he treated me the way a girlfriend should be treated, like, be good to me, buy me presents and be financially capable, it's all candy and roses. The truth is, grand expensive gestures might be nice, but anyone with money can do it. It's the little things that count. Something as simple as getting you a drink when he grabs one for himself makes all the difference in the world because it shows you just how much you are on his mind. Getting you something you like on the way back home. Even better if it's out of the way, but it's the thought that counts. He thought the little things are inconsequential, and that's how differing opinions can ruin a relationship when both parties don't learn to compromise.

4. Effort and timing never correlated.
Timing is a bitch. When he decided to put in more effort, it was already too late, because I had nothing left to give. You gotta be on the same page. If you realize that something is lacking or if your partner is trying to communicate with you, speak up or listen. I tried, and tried and tried. Because I wanted to fix something which I thought could be perfect. But if it was, I wouldn't be the only one trying. Communication is key to every relationship, but every relationship takes two.

5. It takes two.
Yeah. It seems like a no brainer, but then again, people tend to overlook what is the most obvious. A relationship built between two isn't easy to kill. It's like buying a house (aka building a relationship), if both put in equal amounts of money (aka effort), you can't really just sell it like that (aka break up) because there's the other person's share to consider. Think about it. If one person has been calling the shots, it's no surprise that that person can just sell the house without so much as a blink of an eye. The flame that burns twice as bright, burns half as long.

6. Love is sacrificial. 
Sometimes you gotta do things you don't like, just because you want to make the person you love happy. Because that's what love is, isn't it? The other person's happiness becomes your own. Sometimes I wanted to go out, but stayed home with him. Sometimes he wanted to stay in, but he'd suck it up and go out anyway. The thing is, after a while, I began to go out without him and he remained at home. I wanted to share my world with him, but he didn't want any part of it. I wanted to share what I love with the people I love, but he didn't, nor did he appreciate it. He refused to read the books I love, so eventually, I stopped caring about what he was passionate about. And that's when we started to grow apart. Love shouldn't be a convenience. You should be more than willing to go that extra mile, even if it's just for a smile.

7. She thinks that he won't change, but he will. He thinks that she won't leave, but she will.
It is a very sad sentiment. Really. Remember back when he was wooing you, how he made you feel loved? Like picking you up at 3 in the morning even though he had to work at 8 the following day? Or bringing you tang yuan during Dongzhi Festival because you told him that you haven't had any? And bringing you fries just because. I remember all the sweet little things he did for me. And that's probably why I held on for so long... Because I knew that he had it in him. I thought that I would have it forever. But just like anything else, time happens. Don't ever let the person you love feel unloved but don't do more than you are willing to in the long run. Similarly, I loved him, so I spoiled him. And at the end of the day, it ended up spoiling what could have been a good thing.

I might be wrong, and maybe I'm blinded by my own conviction. I might be selfish but I just can't see it. After all, I am still inexperienced. But this is all that I know now, and I hope that maybe this could help save a relationship.

It isn't anyone's fault but the fact that we loved differently. I always thought that it's ok even if he didn't love me the way I wanted him to, as long as he loved me with all he had. But I realized that no, it's not ok. There is no point in being with someone that doesn't make you happy. I'm no longer willing to settle when it comes to love, even though life is really just a game of luck and it might very well mean that I will never find the one.

But right now, I still believe in fairytale endings.

Goodbye, 2014.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Twitter Throwback

So I went through my Twitter archives - I deleted my Twitter about 6 months ago because I never quite got it, it was just a place for me to moan, but because of that! Here are 4 years worth of filtered Re/Tweets:
  • Words can never really say what the heart can really feel.
  • Giving up doesnt always mean you're weak, sometimes it just means you're strong enough to let go.
  • In the end, we only regret the chances we didn't take, relationships we were afraid to have, and the decisions we waited too long to make.
  • You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have.
  • If we dare to fall in love, we must dare to feel a broken heart.
  • If we dare to hope, we must be prepared to be disappointed.
  • Sometimes, you forgive people simply because you still want them in your life.
  • Nobody wants to hear this, but sometimes the person you want the most, is the person you're best without.
  • The man that deserves you the most is man that thinks he doesn't.
  • The past is a ghost, the future a dream, and all we ever have is now. - Bill Cosby
  • It's not what I feel for you, it's what I don't feel for anyone but you.
  • Maybe it's not that we are not meant to be together.
  • It's just that we're not ready for forever.
  • Life will shit on you sometimes. But friends are the shovels that will help dig you out.
  • The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said and never explained.
  • Don't regret. Not even for a second. Because once you do, it means that you have convinced yourself that you were wrong.
    OK, I know this seems kinda stupid, because there's nothing wrong with being wrong but the real gist of it is that it's alright to be only human and there's no wrong in being who you are. 
  • Live without pretending, love without depending, listen without defending, speak without offending.
  • There's always some Truth behind: Just kidding, Knowledge behind: I don't know, Emotion behind: I don't care & Pain behind: It's okay
  • We say sorry for the things we've said and done. But sometimes we hurt people more by the things we don't do and say.
  • Love me when I least deserve it, because that's when I really need it.
  • You're not a strong person until you've survived temptation.
  • When you lose everything you want, you find the only thing you need.
  • Every finish line is the start of a new race.
  • Sometimes, it's just easier to tell people you're mad, than to admit that you're hurt.
  • People don't understand that loving someone is like having a pet bird, sure, you can lock it up in a cage but it can't be happy if its not free.
  • Everything was perfect, until you decided it wasn't.
  • 小时候,“幸福”是件很简单的事;长大后,“简单”是件很幸福的事
  • When you're young, happiness was simple. When you grow up, simplicity becomes happiness.
  • Appreciate people who find time for you in their busy schedule. But LOVE the people who never look at their schedule when you need them.
  • I now know the meaning of two wrongs make a right. Sometimes, it means wronging two people for you to make things right.
  • Being on your phone while driving is disrespecting your passengers life!
  • Life is like hiking, no matter how tired you get, you just have to keep going.
  • Don't be afraid to stand for what you believe in, even if that means standing alone!
  • Bloggers have been publishing their lives online before Facebook was even an idea.
  • When you are happy, remind yourself that it will pass, so you learn to appreciate.
  • When you are sad, remind yourself the same thing, so you learn to let go.
  • It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but a great deal more to stand up to your friends - Dumbledore
  • Sometimes those with the most power has the least grace.
  • Do not fear death, but rather the unlived life. You don't have to live forever. You just have to live. – Tuck
  • 女人没魅力才觉得男人花心;男人没实力才觉得女人现实。
  • All our lives we think about how hard life is, but every phase was harder than the last so remember: You've endured thus far.
  • Playing a role is easy. But being yourself, now that’s a challenge. – Miss Darbus (High School Musical 3)
  • If you always put others first, you'll come out last.
  • Nothing's a big deal unless you make it one.
  • Your darkness belongs to you, just the same way your light does. - Mickey Mouse
  • The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live. - Flora Whittemore
  • Anger doesn't last, guilt does.
  • I never block anyone cos nobody is ever worth it.
  • 女人必须酷 男人该优秀
    Ladies should be cool, gentlemen should be classy. 
  • Those who have experienced understands. Those who don't have no worthy opinion.
  • I wish people looked like their personalities.
  • Fighting fire with fire only feeds the flame.
  • We are not who we think we are, but are what we think.
  • Be self aware, not self conscious.
  • People always say that actions speak louder than words but the truth is people are blind until they are told to see.
  • If you don't fight for what you want, remember, it was your choice.
  • There is a fine line between sarcasm & hostility. - The Mortal Instruments
  • The question isn't who is going to let me; it's who is going to stop me. - Ayn Rand
  • Don't be so defeatist my dear, it's very middle class. - Countess Dowager of Grantham, Downton Abbey
  • The simple joys of a poor man far outweigh you and your expensive toys.
  • It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it. - Aristotle
  • We are a generation living comfortably in dissatisfaction.
  • "No" is a complete sentence.
  • When you can you don't want to, when you want to you can't.
  • Why would you want to be great like her when you can be great like yourself?
  • The attraction of youth is that they have more imagination than sense.
  • Why do we always run towards what we know is wrong?
  • Life begins at the end of your comfort zone. - Neale Donald Walsch
  • The truth of the matter is that you always know the right thing to do. The hard part is doing it. - Norman Schwarzkopf
  • Fairness isn't about getting the same, but what each deserves.
  • We may be weak and sometimes we even give up but deep down inside, there is a light that never goes out.
  • One day, there'll be nothing left but pride if you always let it get in the way.
  • Too many people in the world has cash but no class.
  • Baby we all run out of time you just gotta love yours as much as I love mine.
  • The greatest prison people live in is the fear of what other people think.
  • Malaysians who are proud of not being able to speak Malay is like an American being proud of not being able to speak English.
  • I think the only thing that can be below you is to not have a job.
  • Thou knowest this man's fall; but thou knowest not his wrassling.
  • 面子是人家给的 脸是自己丢的
  • Never let a memory become stronger than a dream.
  • The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear. - Nelson Mandela
  • Unabashed the devil stood, and felt how awful goodness is.
  • When the only alternative is doing nothing, remember that doing nothing rarely accomplishes anything.
  • Love is like playing the piano. First you must learn to play by the rules, then you must forget the rules and play from your heart.
  • Love is not just looking at each other, it's looking in the same direction. - Antoine de Saint-Exupery
  • Nobody knows our demons better than us, so don't expect to be rescued by someone else because the only one who can defeat them is ourselves.
  • Trust is when you don't believe me even when I said I don't love you.
  • The more you hide your feelings, the more they show. The more you deny your feelings, the more they grow.
  • 男人最驕傲的不是睡過多少女人,而是能有一個女人愿意讓他睡一輩子。 女人最驕傲的不是擁有多少男人,而是她的男人愿意為他拒絕多少女人。 男人,要經得起誘惑 女人,要耐得起寂寞
    Men should be proud of finding a woman who is willing to sleep with him for the rest of his life, not proud of how many women he can bed. Women should be proud of finding a man who is willing to reject countless others, not proud of how many men she's had. Men must withstand temptation. Women must withstand loneliness. 
  • 宁为玉碎,不为瓦全
    Rather be a shattered vessel of jade than an unbroken piece of pottery - better to die in glory than live in dishonor.
  • If I ever ask you to leave me alone, please never.
  • Nobody is obligated to be kind. 
And now I can finally delete that zip file knowing that everything I feel is worth saving is immortalized here. Thank you, internet.