Sunday, November 1, 2015

sundaze scribbles #4



The attraction of youth is that they have more imagination than sense.

Sunday, October 25, 2015

sundaze scribbles #3



sometimes we fall in love with moments
sometimes we fall in love with memories
sometimes we fall in love with the way we feel
someday i hope someone falls in love with me the way i loved you

Sunday, October 18, 2015

sundaze scribbles #2



There are two kinds of people:
People who save because they are afraid they might run out.
Or people who use because they can't live another minute without.

Monday, October 12, 2015

RATCHETminute

It's a new channel that will focus on skits which are hopefully, relatable. Born from a random coffee date, determined to deliver at least one minute long video per month.

Here's to hoping.



Sunday, October 11, 2015

sundaze scribbles #1




nobody can hurt you unless you allow them to
and i gave all my permission to you

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

H.I.P Cafe (the Spring, Kuching)


So there's this place in Kuching I haven't been - who am I kidding. I haven't been to a lot of places so I'm gonna be doing a lot more posts like these. Foolish is the one who has never seen his own backyard.


Overcooked and bland - lasagnas are supposed to be flavorful and this one falls short. If you're looking for good lasagna in Kuching, try Bella Italia opposite Four Points, BDC.


Green Formaggi. To be honest, when we saw this, everyone stared at me and asked me what monstrosity did I order. I asked myself the same thing. I was horrified beyond words... But when I had that first slice (since no one else wanted to touch it) I was pretty hooked. Unlike anything I've ever tasted before while not being an overpowering salad. Perfect blend of some kinda sauce (I think it's cheese, my sister in law says it's mayonnaise - maybe it's both!) which I enjoyed. I say, go for it if you're open to new things! If you hate greens, why bother?


Homemade beef burger. I don't know why I have a picture of it here. I didn't have a single bite of it because my brother ate the whole damn thing. He said it's ok, not too bad but nothing mindnumbing. Now I want a burger. Best burger in Kuching? Opposite Swinburne at Simpang Tiga.

We also ordered a salad. Do not order the ceaser salad. It is made of fails.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Monster Dash 3.0

It's back again and it's going to be bigger than before - not just because they'll be expecting more runners this year but because there's going to be a flash mob and here are the dance moves:

video
Video courtesy of OurYouth FB

I've never been in a flash mob before so that's exciting! Kinda sakai la but still... One day everyone will run out of firsts so appreciate each and every one!

This year's Monster Dash merch is super neon... 



Peace out and see you at the run

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

Lead Me Into Temptation




Those who have never been led into temptation know not what strength is.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015

video: Say Something Tag

Aric convinced me to do it, I think he just really wanted to have tape all over that face. Check it:


quitting is forever

Just one more day, and it becomes two. Three.
Until the days run into each other and blend together,
Realizing one day that it's been weeks, months. Years. 
But the yearning never ceases, the desire always there. 
One phone call, another opportunity and it begins again. 
Addiction, disorder, obsession. 
You fight them every day.

Tuesday, August 11, 2015

What Tattoos Truly Mean

Photo by YH Photography
I have loved tattoos since I was 13. I knew that one day I was going to get one, but my family opposed so strongly and I was too afraid of the consequences for a little self expression so I hid my tattoos from my family until they found out. I can't even remember how they realised. But they did. They still make occasional comments and get into debates about the implications of tattoos so here's a blog post to end all discussion.

Tattoos are my souvenirs of life. They tell my story. Moments, captured in ink. I do not believe in only getting symbolically meaningful tattoos because all tattoos are meaningful. Even that tattoo of your ex's name. Because it is a part of your life. That right there is proof that you loved deeply and maybe foolishly, but you loved. Even that weird tattoo. Because I'm sure there is a story behind it and it might even be funny. Even that misspelt tattoo. Because it is just like you to be careless about something so permanent. Even that tattoo you got while drunk adds up to who you are. Even this, even that. And what's the problem with getting empty but aesthetically pleasing tattoos? Aren't they decorations, in the end? Humans oftentimes try too hard to find reason for things that could simply just exist. 

My first tattoo holds no meaning at all, except to mark my rebellious days and impulsive ways, I was 17? It was the last day of 2007 and I walked into the tattoo studio and said "I want a tattoo before 2007 ends" so I got a floral design with stars and a crescent moon. Hurt like a bitch but oh so pretty. I was too young to know better and too stupid to care and I loved it. And all those feelings are permanently inked on the inside of my hip. 

My second tattoo is a phoenix. It is extremely significant to me, and also highly personal. I do not appreciate it when people who are not close to me, ask me what my tattoos mean because you are asking me to reveal a part of myself. It makes me uncomfortable. Usually I say "nothing", but "it's kinda personal" is me being polite. But here, I'll tell you what it means. I wanted a phoenix because I found strength in the mythical bird which rises from the ashes of it's own destruction. It means that nothing can destroy me but myself, and even when I do, I will always find my way back. I wanted a back piece because I remember making fun of other people's tattoos with my father. We were at a wedding, and there were a bunch of girls with tiny dragons and my father said, "Gal, look at that. Is it a lizard?" and I said, "I think they are dragons." "Dragons?! Small dragons, more like lizards." "Trueee. If it's something as majestic as a dragon, make sure it's all or nothing." It was then I realized that one day, my phoenix would cover my back. Till this day I can still remember how it felt, sitting at the table, laughing with my father. See, these are the bits and pieces of life that makes a significance. Don't get google dictate what your tattoo means.

I have the universe in a star above my right elbow. Everyone is a universe of complexities. We only know what we are shown. Alternately, the universe is made of galaxies, galaxies are made of stars. We are but one in a seemingly infinite universe of human beings, stretching over generations, but I am present, I am here. It reminds me to be humble without feeling inconsequential because sometimes, when we think about how small we are, we forget why anything should matter at all. It matters, because we do. Stars make up the universe, despite how small and insignificant each one may be, without them, the universe is nothing. 

I got "Ave Atque Vale" because I liked the sound of it - I found it in Infernal Devices and fell in love. "Always" is a beautiful belief. Matching tattoos with the ones I love, because they are a part of me and always will be. 

One thing that everyone fears is regret, which is why they claw and fight by nook or by crook to give their tattoos some great significance. My father told me as much, "What are you going to do when you want to remove them one day?" but the problem is, I never intend to. Tattoos are the beautiful battle scars of my youth.

But I have touched up tattoos and covered another, because they didn't turn out the way I'd hoped. Blowout tattoos are disappointing, especially if you are striving for minimalism, so always try to find an artist who specialises in the style you like and make sure you are able to communicate effectively with them. But even then, nobody is perfect and even the best tattoo artist might make mistakes. The best thing you can do is go to a reputable tattoo parlour. Never let price be an issue, don't compromise quality because it's going to be on you forever. 

You may dislike tattoos and that's okay. You don't have to love mine. And I don't expect you to agree with me. This is just my perspective for now and one day it might shift. But everyone should have an opinion, and the ability to respect the opinion of others.

Speaking of opinions, I'm not sure about other people with ink, but it makes me super awkward when people who have seen mine, tells their friend that they have to see my back. It is the shit. If that someone is a guy, they'd go ahead and say, it'll put yours to shame. But it is just embarrassing for me. It is not a competition. I am not an art gallery. My tattoos are mine and I do not appreciate being paraded like just because I have ink, suddenly I am public property. People who pull my shirt up or dress down? Chill, be cool. 

Friday, August 7, 2015

restart


I was lost for what felt like the longest time.
But the darkest night often feels like forever.

I kept a backup of my deleted blog - maybe knowing that one day I would like to revisit. But it wasn't for the reasons I originally intended. I went back to the past, trying to rediscover what it was like to be excited for life but I found nothing there.

Jaded.

I used to roll my eyes at that word. It astounded me how people could get so disconnected and apathetic. I convinced myself that would never be me and I shunned those who were. I thought them weak and foolish whereas I was strong and alive. But now I want to surrender and say fine - maybe they saw the truth. Life is meaningless. We are born, we work and we die. We live from week to week and in between we are only zombies, chasing paper.

So I became withdrawn and hid from the world. Life lost it color because every dream has crumbled and I was too exhausted to find another. I became one of those people. Demotivated, uninspired and disenchanted. I cannot help but feel cheated, because clearly there has to be more than this.

I tried to look for meaning but you simply cannot find what you do not want found. The best thing you can do when you're lost is to move forward.

I spring cleaned my HDD - deleting pictures and videos of what I no longer want. It turns out, I take a lot of photos of food and I think I'm going to stop because by the time I was done - I didn't keep a single one.

Why do we do it though? I never really questioned it although online culture sure did. To me, it was simple and instant gratification. Food is fundamental to our survival. I think cooking or leaving that last serving for someone is the ultimate act of love. Forget buying flowers, get food. Seriously. Swap out your "I love you"s for "hey you hungry?"

I've explained before to my sister in law that the reason my brother keeps offering her food and urging her to try new things is purely out of love. I used to get so offended and hurt (bit of a nutcase eh?) when people rejected my offers, eventually, I realized that not everyone sees food the same way. But since it is so central to our lives, I thought it was natural to want to share good food, so we do it on social media. That's how I hunt for food. "OMG WHERE" is probably my default comment on Instagram. People have got to start using geotagging.

I also cleaned out my closet and got a new wardrobe. Tshirt & shorts will forever be my staple because c'mon, there's nothing more comfortable. But change is welcome when all you want is anything but this.

Friday, June 19, 2015

over you.

I used to believe that heartbreak got easier with age
And despite the pain of it we'll learn to manage
It's always the first throw that hurts the most
Until you discover that it gets harder each time
To take a punch and climb back on your feet
Instead of defeated and down on your knees

I can write about it now because I am free of it. I have finally pried open my frozen fingers and let go of a ghost I've held on for so long. The heart is resilient and it will endure many more. But within its healed surface, the scars run deep.

I was just a little girl
With little stupid ideas
And where I have failed
You succeeded so well

Maybe I never will get over the fear of abandonment. Perhaps I will be forever wary of the others to follow - as though I didn't have enough walls. For someone to get through my defences, one must slip through unnoticed. Show interest and I will shut you down - flattered as I may be, I do not accept affection from strangers. This resentment will never cease to grow as long as I find myself fearful and wary and lonely.

I may have gotten over my love for you.
But for me to truly heal,
I must learn to unhate you too.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I am still here

I have been in Taiwan for 4 days now and sometimes I think of late night laughter in a car parked at the empty carpark of a deserted building. I think of snowy nights but I no longer have the desire to visit them. I know that when I return to Malaysia, I would. The new dream: run to snow capped mountains and never return. For now though, I only have words for the radio and I hope for a long journey because it isn't about the destination. It never was.

A small room with the smallest tv can also be filled with joy when everyone is here, these are not friends, they are family.

We are going home tomorrow. We've taken trains and seen places. Somewhere along the line I lost it. I realised something missing too late because it was already gone. Part of me was relieved but another grieved. I remember how I felt but I no longer remember how it feels. It makes me wanna cry and strengthen my armour all at the same time.

Life is either a tragedy, or a joke, right?

So laugh.

I'm back and I'll never let myself feel that way again. Once to keep it special. But who wants mediocre? Who wants average? Everyone wants epic. They just don't know how to be careful of what they wish for. The happier you are, the higher you go but not everyone can survive the fall.

Life is a mess. It's meant to be chaotic. But because we're only human, we cannot appreciate the art of life so we try to control it. Shape it and mould it till it all fits.

10 years old, with bright eyes looking at the world with reckless abandon.
Into your 20s and thinking you will magically find yourself but lost is all you are.
We show off who is more real. But in time, you realise that the person you were is only a fool's dream.
Become what you have to be for all else is a lie. You cannot claim to be candid when you start to censor.

I always believed that I wore my heart on my sleeve. I have only ever wanted to give a part of me to those who gave me a part of them. All my secrets sit at the tip of my tongue. Ready to slip to the ones who care. But when I find cracks, I fill them up. Coat them with a layer of varnish. Pretend it was never there. When I get caught though, I falter because it was never my intention.

Love should be cheap, given freely and easily.

Pride had never made anyone happy. Walls are not a welcomed sight. You stand guarded because you desire effort so you can recognise sincerity. But it is lonely and the emptiness is cold. Beggars cannot be choosers and pride will make you starve.

Am I the only one who feels like "what is meant to be will be" are just words to convince ourselves that we haven't just lost something so significant there are no words to describe it?

25 years and I have just learnt that no, you don't always get what you want.
25 years and I was rudely awakened by reality because sometimes even good things fall apart.
25 years and I have begun to understand that nothing happens for a reason but you can give it one.

You can learn from it, give it meaning. Believe there's no fate but what we make, even when things are out of your control, you can still do what is in your power and that changes things. Only, it is so hard to reconcile the truth of what you do not want to believe with a contradicting perspective.

And I wish so badly to be proven wrong.

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Invasion of Personal Space

There wasn't anyone I trusted to help me, to not make fun of me or brush me off.

Nobody should have to deal with unwanted attention, regardless of intention.

I was out of my element, and the man took me by surprise. It was at a wedding and I thought he might be some relative I'd forgotten. Until it was clear he was drunk.

Maybe you think I should feel flattered but I do not. Because who is he to be taking liberties?

I felt violated. I kept trying to wipe off the feeling of disgust from my cheek. I wish I had punched him.

I want to remind myself and every one else out there that there is no shame in standing up for how you feel. You should not allow anyone make you feel anything less than you are.

You are not a victim.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

7 Things I Learnt from My Time Abroad

1. Bring your own beer to house parties.
I'm not sure if this only extends to Melbourne, but I went to a house party empty handed once. It was so awkward because nobody knew what to do. The one thing that broke the ice was someone asking, "are those your Asian neighbours here to complain about the noise?"

2. Don't underestimate how heavy groceries are.
Cos I did, not just once, but especially during that first trip I took to the supermarket. Adam was running a high fever, it was our first night in the apartment and there was no food. So I ran out to buy groceries so I could make him homecooked food, thinking it would comfort him. It was horrible. Not only was that my first attempt at Chinese food (I still shudder thinking about how bad it tasted) but I bought big bottles of dark and light soya sauce (cos I didn't know which to use), cooking oil, a small bag of rice and ingredients for stir fried vege, steamed egg with mince meat. Who knew everything could add up to be so heavy? And our apartment was 15 minutes away! I should've just stuck to fried luncheon meat and sweet corn soup.

3. It is amazing how far you can walk.
It really is. During a trip to the city, I was adamant about getting somewhere which resulted in blisters and newlost respect for me and my ability to follow directions from google maps. I kept saying it's up ahead, for about half an hour. But at least we got there. The point is, little by little, one truly goes far.

4. It is perfectly okay to talk to strangers.
The first few times a stranger tried to strike up a conversation with me was weird. But after a while it started to be nice. These interactions range from simple idle talk to full out philosophical debates and it's wonderful. You meet and click and then you leave each other to it. I guess in a way, that's kinda beautiful.

5. Home is where you want it to be.
I raged about leaving Kuching when I was 13, swearing I would get out of this town and fly off somewhere, never to return. By the time I was 18, nothing could make me leave. But my dad convinced me that I should. When I was abroad, all I wanted was to come home. But when I did, my room was gone and the house I lived in for 20 over years felt different. It was then I realized that home is only where you want it to be and I unpacked and came home again.

6. You can drink tap water. 
This blew my mind. I was so dubious. But then it became fun trying to convince the other International students that it's safe to drink from the tap. And even convincing the locals that you have to boil or filter water in Malaysia took some effort. So really, we only believe what we know. Once you learn to accept that, you learn be a bit more empathetic and understanding. You become a bit less impatient and a little more kind. You can't fault others for believing all that they know.

7. Don't take things personally.
Then you learn that maybe the way a person acts could be culture, it could be upbringing, it could be just the way they are. But whatever it is, you realize you shouldn't take things personally, that nobody is against you. People are far too selfish for that. They are for what they believe in, they are for themselves. Even when what they do seem to suggest otherwise, because how someone treats you, is a reflection of themselves... Not the other way around.

Friday, January 16, 2015

ON AIR.

It's still nerve wrecking.
But I'll be on at these times:

Tomorrow: 11am - 3pm 
26th Jan - 4th Feb: 10am - 3pm 

95.3FM for Kuching, 105.8FM for Miri. 

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Review: Beauty Talk 3D Refining Day Cream

I loved the Beauty Talk Double Cleansing Gel so much I was super stoked when HiShop sent me this all purpose primer that is moisturizing and whitening makeup base, with UV protection and anti-aging properties!

For more details about it, click:


Sounds like a dream come true, right? Furthermore, the application is really smooth and it really made my skin look radiant and flawless despite its light consistency!



However, I noticed that my face gets pretty shiny even though I've only been in the office and during my last facial, the facialist commented that my pores were extremely clogged and asked if I remove my makeup properly, which I'm sure I do. So, I'm guessing it just isn't suitable for my sensitive combination skin. But don't let that put you off from getting it. It has glowing reviews and just cos it didn't work for me, doesn't mean it won't work for you, especially since I have very temperamental skin.

It's weird though, because on the box, it mentions that it soothes and repairs with chamomile, which shouldn't irritate my skin... Maybe in a couple of weeks when my skin settles, I'll try again (ahah yes, I can be that stubborn because I refuse to accept it didn't turn out another HG product) but then again... Maybe my skin just didn't like some other ingredient. I know nothing about ingredients, but you might, so here's the full list for your reference:

Pure water Glyceryl Strearate Acetyl Hexapeptide-8 Iron Oxide (Black)
Cyclopentasiloxane Glycerin Hydrolyzed Soy Protein Fragrance
Sodium Acrylates Copolymer Ceteareth-12 Hydrolyzed Wheat Protein Hydrogenated Lecithin
Paraffinum Liquidum Cetyl Palmitate Iron Oxide (Red) Magnesium Ascorbyl Phosphate
PPG-1 Trideceth-6 C12-15 Aklyl Benzoate Methylparaben Choleth-20
Isononyl Isononanoate Butylene Glycol Imidazolidinyl Urea PEG-100 Hydrogenated Castor Oil
Caprylic/Capric Triglyceride Titanium Oxide Chamomile Flower Extract Triethylhexanoin
Cetearyl Isononanoate Tocopheryl Acetate Propylene Glycol Cholesterol
Ceteareth-20 Cyclopentasiloxane Acerola Fruit Extract Mica
Cetearyl Alcohol Dimethiconol Iron Oxide (Yellow) 29 Ingredients! 

Looks like Latin, doesn't it? Some foreign language that some multi-talented people manage to master. But anyway, if you wanna try the cream for yourself, it's on sale right now!! But if you're eyeing something else, get a 15% discount with this code: VEYRONIQA. Happy shopping and...

Thursday, January 1, 2015

Hey, 2015.

The weather was so beautiful today.
Perfectly breezy with overcast skies. 
I wish it could be like this forever. 
It feels like a good start to a good year.

This Saturday, I'll be on air from 11AM to 3PM.
95.3FM if you're in Kuching, 105.8FM for Miri! 

Honestly though, it feels unreal.
But yea, dreams do come true.