Friday, June 19, 2015

over you.

I used to believe that heartbreak got easier with age
And despite the pain of it we'll learn to manage
It's always the first throw that hurts the most
Until you discover that it gets harder each time
To take a punch and climb back on your feet
Instead of defeated and down on your knees

I can write about it now because I am free of it. I have finally pried open my frozen fingers and let go of a ghost I've held on for so long. The heart is resilient and it will endure many more. But within its healed surface, the scars run deep.

I was just a little girl
With little stupid ideas
And where I have failed
You succeeded so well

Maybe I never will get over the fear of abandonment. Perhaps I will be forever wary of the others to follow - as though I didn't have enough walls. For someone to get through my defences, one must slip through unnoticed. Show interest and I will shut you down - flattered as I may be, I do not accept affection from strangers. This resentment will never cease to grow as long as I find myself fearful and wary and lonely.

I may have gotten over my love for you.
But for me to truly heal,
I must learn to unhate you too.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

I am still here

I have been in Taiwan for 4 days now and sometimes I think of late night laughter in a car parked at the empty carpark of a deserted building. I think of snowy nights but I no longer have the desire to visit them. I know that when I return to Malaysia, I would. The new dream: run to snow capped mountains and never return. For now though, I only have words for the radio and I hope for a long journey because it isn't about the destination. It never was.

A small room with the smallest tv can also be filled with joy when everyone is here, these are not friends, they are family.

We are going home tomorrow. We've taken trains and seen places. Somewhere along the line I lost it. I realised something missing too late because it was already gone. Part of me was relieved but another grieved. I remember how I felt but I no longer remember how it feels. It makes me wanna cry and strengthen my armour all at the same time.

Life is either a tragedy, or a joke, right?

So laugh.

I'm back and I'll never let myself feel that way again. Once to keep it special. But who wants mediocre? Who wants average? Everyone wants epic. They just don't know how to be careful of what they wish for. The happier you are, the higher you go but not everyone can survive the fall.

Life is a mess. It's meant to be chaotic. But because we're only human, we cannot appreciate the art of life so we try to control it. Shape it and mould it till it all fits.

10 years old, with bright eyes looking at the world with reckless abandon.
Into your 20s and thinking you will magically find yourself but lost is all you are.
We show off who is more real. But in time, you realise that the person you were is only a fool's dream.
Become what you have to be for all else is a lie. You cannot claim to be candid when you start to censor.

I always believed that I wore my heart on my sleeve. I have only ever wanted to give a part of me to those who gave me a part of them. All my secrets sit at the tip of my tongue. Ready to slip to the ones who care. But when I find cracks, I fill them up. Coat them with a layer of varnish. Pretend it was never there. When I get caught though, I falter because it was never my intention.

Love should be cheap, given freely and easily.

Pride had never made anyone happy. Walls are not a welcomed sight. You stand guarded because you desire effort so you can recognise sincerity. But it is lonely and the emptiness is cold. Beggars cannot be choosers and pride will make you starve.

Am I the only one who feels like "what is meant to be will be" are just words to convince ourselves that we haven't just lost something so significant there are no words to describe it?

25 years and I have just learnt that no, you don't always get what you want.
25 years and I was rudely awakened by reality because sometimes even good things fall apart.
25 years and I have begun to understand that nothing happens for a reason but you can give it one.

You can learn from it, give it meaning. Believe there's no fate but what we make, even when things are out of your control, you can still do what is in your power and that changes things. Only, it is so hard to reconcile the truth of what you do not want to believe with a contradicting perspective.

And I wish so badly to be proven wrong.