Sunday, August 16, 2015

Are you sure you're not crazy?

By crazy I mean suffering from any psychological disorders and not retardation or brain disorders like schizophrenia. Little disclaimer here though: I am not educated in psychology, I just like to theorize. 

When I was younger, I was convinced I was bipolar. I had bouts of extreme happiness and sudden depressions. But then I brushed it off as teen angst. Then I thought I had ADHD, because I had problems with attention. But then I realized that in this time and age of electronic devices and instant gratification, who wouldn't? I was constantly on the lookout for what kind of disorders I might suffer from because I've always had a fascination with the mentally disturbed and it would give me an excuse to act a certain way. I had a temper and would explode every so often that I began to anticipate them and maybe it's self fulfilling prophecy because something never failed to aggravate me to the point of madness. Eventually, I began to think that maybe everyone's a little crazy. Some a little more than others.

I used to hurt myself intentionally. The correct term is self harm. There was satisfaction in watching life bleed out of me. Beauty in red against stark white. It is a difficult topic for most people who do, but not many who don't would understand what is going through a cutter's mind. Cutters do not seek pity or attention, and it isn't a cry for help, quite the opposite. They are usually uncomfortable regarding their wounds and/or scars and try to cover them up. I find comfort in people who avert their eyes and the opposite when they blatantly ask what my scars are in front of others. I appreciate concern - but perhaps a little more discretion?

Cutting is proven to make people feel better because it releases endorphins, which is why cutters feel relief after cutting. Like anorexia, cutting revolves mainly around control. Individuals feel the need to be in control and in that moment of rejecting food or putting a blade to skin is empowering. You are suddenly in control of what you do or don't do. You control exactly what happens next. You are the master of destiny. Back when I was a teenager, everything was so chaotic to me. And the pain and endorphins blocked it all out.

People fall in love with their misery, their destruction - they want to be able to say they've been there and back - and I was no different.

And that's okay. We're not meant to be perfect. We're not meant to be clones.

You just gotta find your balance.

I believe that mental disorders are a sign of a sick society. Humans have a way of restricting themselves and controlling what is around them. We create rules and guidelines. We take animals out of their natural habitat, domesticating them and ultimately, make them live unnatural lives. We have done the same to ourselves. We are so far removed from what is natural that we develop psychological disorders - in order to compensate for what we have lost.

Society was built by people who had a selfish idea on what they believed benefited themselves. For example: There's that long standing debate on whether humans are meant to be monogamous, but the truth is...

Just because you were raised to believe human beings are meant to be vegetarian, doesn't mean that it's natural. It is merely one of those rules society has imposed on us to make us seem more human.

Some people are sensitive to being depicted as less than normal. But what is normal? Only what the masses believe to be. That doesn't mean anything. So be crazy. Be whatever you feel. And fuck the rules.

I don't believe in disorders. I believe it is a coping mechanism. It is only there because you give in to it. I am probably wrong. But it is what I believe and I'm no doctor. I don't know. Who does, really?

We all believe we feel the strongest, that nobody can even begin to fathom our pain. So when I decided to shrug it off, I automatically think if I can, why can't you? Maybe it's all in your head too.

I know your reply. You'll say, "you don't understand - you can't, because you've never been there". But pain, I've learnt, is relative.

Maybe you're just not good at dealing with pain. It doesn't make your pain more real than anyone elses'.

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