Friday, August 7, 2015

restart


I was lost for what felt like the longest time.
But the darkest night often feels like forever.

I kept a backup of my deleted blog - maybe knowing that one day I would like to revisit. But it wasn't for the reasons I originally intended. I went back to the past, trying to rediscover what it was like to be excited for life but I found nothing there.

Jaded.

I used to roll my eyes at that word. It astounded me how people could get so disconnected and apathetic. I convinced myself that would never be me and I shunned those who were. I thought them weak and foolish whereas I was strong and alive. But now I want to surrender and say fine - maybe they saw the truth. Life is meaningless. We are born, we work and we die. We live from week to week and in between we are only zombies, chasing paper.

So I became withdrawn and hid from the world. Life lost it color because every dream has crumbled and I was too exhausted to find another. I became one of those people. Demotivated, uninspired and disenchanted. I cannot help but feel cheated, because clearly there has to be more than this.

I tried to look for meaning but you simply cannot find what you do not want found. The best thing you can do when you're lost is to move forward.

I spring cleaned my HDD - deleting pictures and videos of what I no longer want. It turns out, I take a lot of photos of food and I think I'm going to stop because by the time I was done - I didn't keep a single one.

Why do we do it though? I never really questioned it although online culture sure did. To me, it was simple and instant gratification. Food is fundamental to our survival. I think cooking or leaving that last serving for someone is the ultimate act of love. Forget buying flowers, get food. Seriously. Swap out your "I love you"s for "hey you hungry?"

I've explained before to my sister in law that the reason my brother keeps offering her food and urging her to try new things is purely out of love. I used to get so offended and hurt (bit of a nutcase eh?) when people rejected my offers, eventually, I realized that not everyone sees food the same way. But since it is so central to our lives, I thought it was natural to want to share good food, so we do it on social media. That's how I hunt for food. "OMG WHERE" is probably my default comment on Instagram. People have got to start using geotagging.

I also cleaned out my closet and got a new wardrobe. Tshirt & shorts will forever be my staple because c'mon, there's nothing more comfortable. But change is welcome when all you want is anything but this.

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