wonderland

for the longest time i tried to be who i was not. seemingly unconcerned with a strong front. but one day i fell into a rabbit hole and i emerged perpetually close to tears. i was never meant to live with steel walls but hanging my heart off my sleeve. i learnt that sadness was a given and i felt it more than anyone. once, i even asked my brother, why couldn't i be more like them? and he answered in a way which allowed me to embrace who i am: understand that we are our own person and i never expect you to be anyone else but yourself.

you try not to be depressed
because when you are
it just means that
they never did a good job

it was one of my many perspectives. i hurt when someone feels my pain so these shoulders they double in weight. it made me hide even more, because to be loved is to destroy. i destroy the very thing i love. and when i try to disappear, there is only one route for me to take. down the same old road and facing the same old demons.

it's easier now that i know i can't help the way i am. happiness exists only in your own head. when i find myself slipping, i haul myself back up. rather than hope for a different environment, filled with steps instead of a slippery slope.