Saturday, December 31, 2016

i give up

Great Ocean Road | March 2013
I stopped believing I could see the whole world when I realized I could not experience every single life. Culture and circumstance. There is no way for me to know how it feels like growing up in the slums or to be born with a silver spoon. Instead I started to make lists of what I would like to do. Camp under an unpolluted sky. Go on road trips with those I never tire of. Sail the seas on a cruise. Stay at home all day with him, eating comfort food and watching marathons. Everything is so fleeting. Nothing lasts forever. Do what YOU want to do. You do not have to taste every single thing, so long as you taste the ones you've always wanted to.

I used to get so mad cos I can't be with my guys for a bros night out. These boys are the only friends I want to hang out with and because of a girl's silly little insecurities, I gotta stay at home fuming and being left out. But then I realized that like it or not, I am a girl. No matter how I'm treated like a bro, I'm never truly gonna be one and neither do I want to be. I like being the only girl. And also, I should be glad they found someone and I should respect that. So I gave up trying to be what I wasn't and stopped struggling against the current. They won't let me in their boys-only group chat cos then all their girl friends would wanna join? So I made my own group chat, where nobody is left behind.

I loved forcing my beliefs onto others. Be considerate, communicate, don't litter, say no to shark fin soup, spay your pets if you don't want to be responsible for their babies, speak out, be proud, stand up, fight and don't back down. I would preach and proclaim until I got disheartened. But I found an old belief, live and let live. Fairly take and fairly give. Everyone has their prerogative to live the way they want to. Whether it harms the world or not, it is not your decision to make. You do what you can and let God handle the rest.

I was a planner. Even what seemed like spontaneity was free time set purposefully aside by me. I hated when things don't follow the guidelines I've set in my head, although I would never show my dissatisfaction and pretend like everything is okay because I'm too cool to care. The truth is, it kills me when someone says: let's go for fries! And when they pick me up, say we're going for Japanese food instead. And honestly, I told myself I'll only give two years to hitz, because frankly... I never wanted a 9 till 5 job and it was a 9 to 5 even though it's a lot more fun but it was still a corporation. But that plan slowly faded away and I saw myself there longer than I set out to be, until that fateful conversation which eventually set me free.

Sometimes when you surrender, you find peace.