Saturday, April 1, 2017

1.4.17

Sometimes I feel like I am bursting with words. Other times I can't find one to say. Times like these, there is so much I don't know where to begin.

Suppose I should start with how I feel right now. Oh I have missed turning my phone to airplane mode at night before bed, but working in the entertainment and news industry did not allow for that. You had to be reachable at all times, it was part of your job. Inebriated or fatigued, all it takes is one call and you are sober, awake and ready. Forever at attention.

But maybe I prefer working my way, at my own pace. Not at 8AM every day like clockwork, but only to meet a daily deadline.

I do that now with ease. Disappearing into myself, not awaiting beck or call. Relieved of my position as a radio announcer, I was honestly surprised to find passion and new goals. But having been caged for so long, I have come to disdain commitment. It is not something to be proud of, much more to be feared but I force myself still to accept work two or three months in advance at most. Though I leave myself a little way out: if I crave escape, I needn't wait long.

How many times have plans fallen through because of some prior agreement, or responsibility which was yours alone to bear? I find myself severing ties and replacing them with placeholders, making plans for those I cannot. So in the event I vanish, everything will resume as normal. The world continues to spin.

I cannot begin to imagine how many people feel like escaping somewhere far-off and foreign to start anew right this instant. How could it be so shocking when we live in a society that forces our hand and crushes life out of routine and stability. Everyone will crack one day or another, it just depends what you choose when you finally do.

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